Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. 
  
His doctor says,  "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."     
  
Paddy asks,  "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"                                                           
  
  The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.   
  
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

... and that's how man invented BLOW JOB !

Man 1   God 0

Man 1 God  0.....good one

one for the day

 

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow, and black are sitting  in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything-the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad brown lab.

The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Lethal injection," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, no, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, 'Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis.'

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, 'Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!' He replies, 'Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it.'

nice one walkahead

here is one for the day from my side

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men’s room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". 

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. 
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!” Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". 

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

Unga Bunga

Once there were three scientists who were walking in the woods. They were searching for butterflys. While they were sleeping that night a tribe captured them and put them in a tent.

The first guy wakes up and sees the tribe cheif with a spear he says: Death or Unga Bunga?

The first guy says: "Unga bunga " because I don't want to die! So they take him away. Unga Bunga is a guy with 18" long penis and he sticks it up the other guys butt for 5 minutes and then only he knows what Unga Bunga is .

Then the second guy wakes up and he sees the first guy come staggering back saying: Pick death! Pick death! But the guy doesn't believe him ,so he picks Unga Bunga. And then the same thing happens to him.

Then the third guy wakes up and see the guy staggering back saying: Pick Death! So the guy figures that what the heck? And he picks death and then the chief says: Death! by Unga Bunga!

Pickle Slicer

A husband went home after working at his job in a restaurant. His wife noticed he seemed a little bit aggravated so she asked him what was wrong. After some coaxing, he finally told her that he had been having an urge to put his dick in the pickle-slicer at work. His wife was astonished and told him he should really do something about that. An urge like that could not be healthy at all. He said that he would and they left it at that.

A week later, the husband came home smiling and completely happy. His wife asked him what happened that would put him in such a good mood.

He said, "I finally did it! I put my dick in the pickle-slicer."

The wife asked, "Well, what happened?"

Husband: "Oh, well I was fired."

Wife: "I mean, what happened with the pickle-slicer?" 

Husband: "Oh, she got fired too!"

Why is widescreen format not so popular in Asia?

Because of their small eyes, they have always seen in wide screen!

that's racist man... oh wait maybe not GRGDAI is probably talking about his own experience.
;) good one though

Ya when I upgraded to widescreen TV I didn't see any difference :)

Here is one for today

A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special.

The man hesitated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store.

The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman, seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!!"

 

 

What did one tampon say to the other?
They didn't say anything; they were both stuck up bitches.

thanks KC bro for filling in, here is what i have for today , njoy !!!

A beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients. 

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardizing the bank's business relationship. 

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have". 

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France." 

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build". 

Realizing that she was down to her last defense, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfill this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis." 

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

Liked the last one specially. Aru jawos.

There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women. 

Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream. 

The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder. 

The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!" 

nice one walkahead bro

here is one from my side

There are three women, the first one goes to the doctor for a checkup and takes her shirt off. The doctor notices an imprint of an H on her chest and says “Why is there an H on your chest?" and the girl says, "because my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex.

So then the second girl comes up and takes her shirt off and she has an imprint of a Y on her chest, so the doctor says “Why do you have an imprint of a Y on your chest?" and she says "because my boyfriend goes to Yale and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex.

So then the last girl comes up and takes her shirt off and the doctor says “you have an imprint of a M on your chest, let me guess, your boyfriend goes to Michigan?" And she says "no, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin".

 

Let me show you something for the day

A man walks into a bar and sees a pudgey, disgustingly pimpled ugly man with the hottest woman he's ever seen.
Man walks up to the bartender and says "Wow, how the hell did that pimpled freak land a hottie like that?"...
Bartender replies "Beats the hell out of me but the funny thing is, he’s here with her every morning..... Why don’t you ask him?"
So the man finally gets up the nerve to approach the fat man and says "Excuse me but... I have to ask.... how in the world did you land such a hottie?"
The fat man replies "Well she’s a prostitute."
The man is stunned. "Well how did you meet her?"
The fat man replies... "Well she’s here every morning at 9am sharp... be here and you’ll get your chance."...
So the next day the man comes in and sees the woman at the bar, sitting.
He sits down beside her and says "I’m sorry but I have to ask.... are you a prostitute?"
The woman replies "Its ok and yes... I am." "Wow.... how much for a handjob then?"
The woman replies "$700." "$700??!! Good God lady, don’t you think thats a bit too much, shit!"
The woman says "Come to the window I want to show you something"
She takes him to the window and points to a red Ferrari outside. "You see that Ferrari?"
"Yeah... what about it?" "I paid for it by giving handjobs."
"WOW!!! That must be one hell of a handjob."
So he pays her the money and gets the best handjob ever.... his legs shake and lips quiver.
Next day the man comes back and askes "How much for a blowjob?" "$800" "Holy shit, thats alot of money"
"Let me show you something" she says.
She takes him back to the window and points to 2 skyscrapers in the city.
"You see those skyscrapers?" "Yeah.." "I paid for those giving blowjobs."
"WOW!!! Thats one helluva blowjob!!!"
So he pays her the money and gets the best blowjob he has ever had..... his eyes roll back in his head and his feet tremble.
The next day the man gets up and empties out his entire bank acct.
He goes to the bar, sees the woman and says "I’ve got the best handjob and blowjob I have ever had in my life and it was from you....  now I’ve GOT to know how good that pussy is.... how much?
Name your price. I’ll pay anything!!!!"
The woman says "Come here, let me show you something"
She takes him back to the window and points to an island resort with hotels and communities.
"You see that island over... with the lavish hotels and prominent communities?"
He said "Yeah." She says "If I had a pussy I could have already bought that too."

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

good one walkahead...
here's the one from me

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but
not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister,
he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up
the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the
panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and
mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darling,


I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit
of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she
wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been
wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her
try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were
there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands
will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When
you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think
how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will
wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S
The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Funny