PREVIOUS THREAD AVAILABLE HERE

Coz of the 200 posts per thread limit, i have to continue this thread here. 

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”

The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”

Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

 

Times are tough
these days, and we all need a little help to get ahead. 

I'm
offering my services to put on whatever costume your business uses,  (gorilla costume, statue of liberty, Hamburger, cake what ever you wanted) to promote whatever you
need to promote. I've got experience looking dumb and holding
stuff.  Email me, lets make the magic happen and let me take my name from the unemployed list.

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.

When finished he looks down and sees. . “W Y” and says “Hey I said her name was Wendy”

Man says “Don’t worry shake it.” . . . He does, . . and voila!- Wendy.

He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.

While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees “W Y” and says “W Y, huh?”

Billy says oh! its my girlfriend’s name, look (shakes it. . . Wendy)

Jamaican says: “Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice.”

Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says “W Y”.

Billy says: “Hey, wait a minute, your girlfriend's name too is Wendy ?”

“Ah no man." and the Jamaican shakes it and Billy reads “Welcome to Jamaica and Have a Nice DaY.”

here is one from my side not so funny though;

Student ask to the teacher in the practical class of Animal Husbandry, " Why male animals espically "bulls" make thier head toward the sky after smelling the genital of femaile "cow".

Teacher said" Animals are not much crazy for sex as human, they always observe the eniviornemnt by looking in the sky wether it is ok or not for having sex; if they fells the enviroment is ok they will have sex otherwise postpone thier date, that never happn in human"

Boys start to laugh girls ................

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to “I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.”

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures 25 cents.” “Why not?” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents.” The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his “thing” into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his “thingy”…

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant
and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the
time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a
prostate gland infection.


The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated
on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a
miracle."


"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.


"It's worth a try," he says.


So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After
the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not
going to believe this."


"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"


"You gave birth to a child."


"But that's impossible!"


"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's
your baby."


About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his
son the truth.


One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell
you. I'm not your father."


The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"


The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.


Man, "What are you doing here today?"


Woman, "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 500
bucks for it."


Man, "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperms, and they are
going to pay me 2500."


The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways.


Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation
center.


Man, "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"


Woman: [Shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool”. But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, then she exclaimed – “So, that’s how you guys load those things!”

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, “No… the bees never touched me – but doesn’t that calf have a mother!?!”

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”

“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!”

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
when she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which
part of your body goes first?"


Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."


"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"


Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."


"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.


Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."


The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"


Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming! I'm coming! ... and if Dad hadn't pinned
her down, we'd have lost her."

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, gratefull as he is, tells the king that he’s really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says “OK, then I wish to be immortal”, the sorcerer replies “Puff, it’s done.” The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says “OK, then I want my horse to be immortal.” The sorcerer replies “Puff, it’s done”. The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says “OK, then I want my horses genitals.” The sorcerer replies “Puff, it’s done”.

The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he’s now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says “Here stab me with the knife.” Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies “That’s not even the best part look at this” and the king drops his pants. Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud “Damn that’s the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen…”

There was a bald man who would do anything to grow hair on his head. he went around asking ppl how he can grow hair . tOne of his friend tells him : “rub ur head on a women’s pussy and ull grow hair.”

The man furious at the answer, replies:”if that were to be true , my toungue would’ve been a furry rug by now"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man’s schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his briefcase.

“Oh my God!” she screamed. “Schwarz is dead!”

A Sailor hits port after being at sea for many months. He went to the nearest whore house and walked up to the Madam, and said,” I want a woman with the toughest pussy and I mean the Toughest Pussy in the house!”" I’ve been at sea for many long months and I’m horny!” “And have her bring up two bottles of beer too.” So he goes to his room and waits. Soon a woman walks in and hands him two bottles of beer. Then she turns around with her back to him and raises up her dress, drops her drawers, and bends over right in front of him. He says “Wait a little bit, I want to drink my beer first!” She says” I know, but you want to open them first don’t you?

A fellow was ordered by his doc to lose 80 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it,he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. “Guaranteed like hell” he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes,and a sign around her neck. “If you can catch me, you can have me!” .Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/20 lb. program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me." This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does,it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next 4 days, the same routine happens and much to his delight,on the 5th day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20lbs as promised!!!!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50lb.program!! “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous programme…”

“Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a big gorilla standing in front of his door wearing a sign around his neck that reads: “If I catch you, I can have you!”

dwase gadha, write joke not stories, sale, bhate, chor

what radiohead is saying is bad, but I find it more funny than Dwase's joke.  LOL

mr radioohead,

u must be stupid enough to peek in under a joke thread and ask for stories, please check other threads that might have what you are looking for, and please be polite, if u know what that means, every now and then, there is a newcomer try to bring the waves, but fails miserably 

v2001,

i wish common sense was so common, but u r not to be blamed

seems we need a second opinion

 

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?”

“I was in bed.”

“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”

“I was getting a second opinion.”