Job Description: Mom
POSITION: Mom
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which
will include
evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also
required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as
nose-blowing and shoe-tying.
Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis
management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.
Must be able to think outside of the box but not lose track of the
box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must
reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing
budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than
me!"
for the rest of your life.
Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and
Adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned
skills in
conflict resolution. Must be able to choose your battles and stick to
your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't
know anything."
Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs
$5 to go skating.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the
physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph
in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard
are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as
small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production
of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next.
Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because
fund-raiser
will be your middle name.
Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as
"What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in and shoot
Sadam Hussein?" on the fly.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must
share accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment
is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will
help
them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life if you play your cards right.
