WHAT MAKES ME LONELY AND AGUISH IS NOT THAT I HAVE NOONE TO SHARE
BUT THIS,I HAVE ONLY MY OWN BURDDEN TO BEAR.
dedicated to onto one who lost their parents...i know it hurts it badly hurts when we lost someone.this one is dedicated to one who lost their parents.i will say it hurts coz i know what pain is.
i dont know and dont wanna know wether my dad died for good reason or bad reason but i am sure what he did hurt me ,broke me and tore me apart.but despite of all those things i love him more and more each day.miss him more each day..this is to every single dad who loves their daughter.
when i was small everyone use to say" छोरीको अनुहार र हाँसो त काटीकुटी बाबाको जसतै रहेछ।"at that time i use to feel so proud.i used to write poem and article as my dad used to .he was writer and reporter.my writing was about rainbow,sunsine,my dad mom,falling rain,smiling face.....and every poem i composed i use to rush or wait for my dad to show .and he use to kiss me in my forhead after he finished reading.and that was my precious gift.
i loved my dad and mom more than anything in this world. i am only daughter they had and they never wanted more child except meh. and my baba use to say i am his son. i used to consider myself most lucky gal in this whole world.
later all my hope,dreams ,love,happiness was shattered. police arrested my dad and was labelled as maoist.he wrote some article and poem related to maoism and all i knew that time was its bad to write.my small head only knew that much.later my dad was shot dead.
he was labelled maoist and shot dead.
i dont know why my dad did this to me??i also dont know if he ever loved me??if he did why did he choose something else beyond me.i am labelled as daughter of maoist .and nobody dares to write anything when their dad is killed as terrorist but i am not guilty abt my dad .i am just sad coz he choose politics more than me.
empathy,compassion and concern human being are legacy and greatest gift a parents could leave a child well noww i am the unluckiest one.
as i am sitting infront of my computer writing my venom ,anger on sajhaland.while every gal of my age enjoy flirting with guy laughing at stupid jokes ,talking and comparing boy with arjun rampal and brad pitt.
whenever any guy smile and brings hands of friendship toward me i just do is ignore them as much as i can.if anyone gives me compliment i just gazed them with blue eyes. meh and my stern face which never smile.
i encountered sudden drastic dip in graph of livnig when everything goes stale and flat enthusiasm goes stale and flat which never smile.i dont like smiling anymore coz i dont wanna look like dad.
when i see my mom's smile brimming with tears in eyes .i rush to my bedroom buried my fac in pillow and wept cupious tears .all tears shed never shed first time.i ranged against god and at life and injustice at my mom.

my mom is doc .she always go to hospital and cure patients but i wonder if their is any medicine which can heal my mom. sometime our prison are self impose.i like being on tears ,sadness,so noone can hurt me..

I HATE MAOIST !I HATE COZ THATS THE THING THAT TOOK MY DAD AWAY FROM ME.THATS THE THING DUE TO WHICH MY MOM SMILE WITH THROAT TIGHTENED TRYING HER BEST NOT TO CRY.
I HATE MAOIST BUT I CANT STOP LOVING MY DAD.

Seeing the words written down by you, I couldn't stop myself from jotting down something. It is not hard to see what u feel if the written thing is real not a fiction. Kind of I felt myself in resemblance with your story. And reading, I felt I may have something in common with you that I would like to share.

From the childhood, my dad had been a political person. Before 047 I didn?t see much of him. That time he used to be much of underground or so, and most of time my sister would only be there to take care of as my mom would be not much around as she would have to do earning for us. I always yearned to get the care and togetherness all other children got. Although I always hated my dad for not being there when I needed, I won?t say that my dad didn?t care for me. He cared, he does still, but there were lots of thing to do for him. His bedtime stories, his philosophies, his writings, I adored and has left a deep incision in the way I live my life. The less time he had for family left me with a kind of fear to take the politics as my "part" of life. I always ran away from that word "Politics"

After 047, He got sick of the hassles and tussles that were going inside the political arena. He left the politic arena and joined the area of Journalism where he expressed his views boldly and with dignity. After 047 did I get to know him better, and his philosophy of life, but that never attracted me, as it was the hard path, living for others than for own self. I took my life into another dimension; I would live for the ones I know but not for others whom I don?t. But he lived to tell other people the ways that can help this country and overall the society. He didn?t fear anything. He has clear way of expressing his views and is known person these days. He was even kept in army custody without given any notice (in other words kidnapped!!!). He was kidnapped from airport when he was trying to board a flight for Delhi. We the family, didn?t even know his whereabouts for that period, even we were not sure he was alive or dead and in some way I think I know the pain of missing someone you love. My mom was strongest at the time, being a role model for me when I should have taken care of her. That was sheer nightmare for me which I still dread of. Due to the national and international pressure then, the government has to kneel down and free him. I knew then how much I loved my father and how much I fear to loose him. I was kind of just opposite to him, I wished to have a poster of Aish in my room, I wished to have my hair grown long, and I loved to listen to music he won?t like. But after that I tried my best to make him happy, in the best way I can even I have to sacrifice the things I would love. He was still not fearful of expressing his views after that, but was kind of careful to choose the right words to express them as, now was era of army ruling and anything can happen. And after this Magh 19 incident, there were security personal crawling over at our place to arrest him. He had gone once again, underground. I don?t have chance to meet him now, but I sure do support him in every way I can.

He is not a Maoist Sympathizer, as he criticizes vastly of their slaughtering, he is not Rajabadi, as he thinks this is autocracy and it should not be allowed in this era of democracy, he is not political party supporter, but he sure thinks they have major role in changing the way of society and overall he thinks that the solution of the conflict is not by increasing the killings, but rather with the talks, talks and interactions. But things he says about the restructuring of the whole country structure as there lies the whole solution in not only solving this conflict but also the conflict arising in future, has in some way irritated the so called government, and is in with claws to pounce him. I now have found out that the politics is everywhere; there is no way u can run away from it, you just can ignore it till it makes your life hell.

I owe him a sorry for not following his hard path of thinking for society, but that I can?t and I don?t regret the way he lives his life. He is the idol for me, whom I can only dream of, but can?t be one. He is in my true sense a father who cares for me; because he cares for the society I live in. He is the man who lives by his virtues and don?t regret a bit about it (who else can sleep soundly as soon as he lay down in bed). He is for me a an IDEAL MAN, and Dad, I salute the works you are doing, I am proud to call you my father, because you are the one to teach me "Live life for others, as any animal will live it for himself." I am here for you whenever you need me father, because at least then I can also contribute something to society I live in, may that be indirectly.

Nirman..{*_*}..

Hamro Nirman Ji Shyam dai ko chhora ho?
Sham dai - Mulyankan

i thought now i should write too. it happened a day i was on my way to oklahoma and i had problem in the brakes. it was making sound.. and i was driving at a speed of my 85 m/hr or up. i tried to halt the speed.. oh no.. Brakes Failed!!!! i tried more than 10 times and finally its speed started halting and came to rest. i knew i could not drive this car anylonger until it got fixed. it was around 7.00 pm or so. all i did was i called my friends in oklahoma city.. and they were are around 60 miles away. so there was nothing i could do. kinda scary too. anything could be possible. somebody could rob you or i could remember the story of sniper too..

finally! a red neck parked the car next to mine.. and her sister came out of the car and knocked on the window.. and asked me.. if i need any help. i explained her the problem in the car. she was like an angel for me.. she said.. her brother is a certified mechanics. i got out of the car.. and talked to him.. he was scott. a pure red neck. he was high too. i asked him if he could help me out with the brakes of the car. he was like... brakes are my speciality. i was so relieved. Scott started working on the wheels and i thought i should not make them feel odd.. so i started talking to them just for the sake of giving them company. Whitney (sister) was 35 and scott was 38. Whitney told me they have five dogs in their van and asked me if i would like to meet them. Well i was not in that mood for sure... but i like dogs too.. and i thought its good idea to at least walk to next to the car and see their dogs. she opened the door and introduced me with their dogs... Five dogs.. Two were Huge. she started talking about their (dogs) family lineage.. and breeds. All five dogs had their names.. and i dont remember it now.. because i always thought there were a lot of good things in the world to remember. Its good to remember the biochemical structure Steroid than the names of dogs or somethings like that. so the scene is more like she was talking and talking and talking.. i was mostly acting as if i have all my ears for her... and i pretended as if i am paying all my 110% attention on her talks. White lies...!!!

anywayz.. i could see scott was working hard on the wheels. and i was just crossing my fingers.. that he would fix it. finally i asked her where they were heading towards. she said they were coming from Florida , Melborn (spelling could be wrong) and headed towards a city (forgot the name but it was like another 2 hours drive from oklahoma city). she said.. they went to Fl to get these dogs. they like dogs. i was just nodding my head but honestly i was not paying any attention on her talks rather i was much worried if scott will be able to fix it or not. then i realized maybe i sould stand around my car than their van so that i could have few words with scott too.. .. just trying to make sure... he was the myaan!! heheheehehe...

wooooo hoooooooo!!! Scott fixed it.. i did test drive and amazing.. brakes were so perfectly working.. wow!!! i called my friends at oklahoma city and told them i met somebody and they fixed the car.. so i would catch them after an hour.. i was much relieved. i said .. scott you guys are more like angels to me..i was so worried half an hour ago.. and see i am smiling now and this smile is more than a million dollar.. and you gave it to me.. i offered him cigaretts... because i was smoking. he said.. he doesnt drink or smoke cigaretts.. and asked me if i have weeds, he would take it. Well, i said i dont carry weeds in my car.. dont want to put myself in trouble... but i have very good access of weeds and all of my friends in oklahoma city smoke weeds. hehehe... i was lying.. i just wanted to assure him that i am just like him.. smoking weeds!! hehehe...

now it was time to pay him off. well.. nepali ko baani ta ho. i started buttering... i said.. i liked his hat .. his van.. and their dogs.. are the best in the world. i asked him what he does for earning.. and he said one of his relative died recently and left 200 Acres of land and he fixes cars and drive 18 wheeler truck sometimes. i said.. ok.. why dont you plant roses in your 200 acres land.. and do the business of rose.. myaaan you could make million dollar in few years. i knew i was like .. giving him suggestion as if i am an expert.. hehe.. i knew i was trying my best to pay him as little as i could just by giving him a dream of millionaire. as if he is a future millionaire.. and ... whatever i am about to pay him is nothing so that he could waive it too. i know i was being mean and greedy. but i tried my luck on it too. i was shocked he said..he wants to put his trailer on that 200 acres land and he likes see sun shines.. in the morning... he wants to see red sun sets in the evening.. under the sky. he likes dogs.. 200 acres will be good land for dogs to play around. he wants to do puppy's business in that 200 acres of land because last year one of his dog gave birth to 4 puppies.. he made $1000 dollars by selling them. so he was thinking about owning 5 female dogs so that he could easily make $5000 dollars a year. he was telling me about his dreams in a very jolly mood. and thats was i was waiting for.... a perfect timing.. i gave him $10 bill and said i am so impressed with his plans. guess what????? you wont believe it... i could see the charm in his eyes. he was so happy as if he had a million dollar winning lottory ticket in his hand.

God! i could not believe it. i can read his body langauge and can still picture his every gesture. that was the happy ending of my story... i got my job done in $10 dollars.. which worths at least more than $200 dollar that i know honestly. No one will come with you to get ur car fixed in the free way so easily.

Scott and Whitney! both were gone.. i was back on my way. I was thinking what would i have done if i had 200 Acres of land. God! he was so happy with his life and living with puppies..... then i saw..the life is an art of living!

the life is an art of living. its like a painting and everything you face or everything that comes and goes in life will add an extra color in our life... all we need to pick the desired color from the diveresed patterns of color of life.. and put it in canvas and create a painting of living. Give a reason to ppl to contemplate on your art and learn few things from it.

Scott and Whitney gave me the painting brush.. and now i could select the color and make my own painting. the art of living. sorrow, pain , happiness, pleasure, jilting, tears, or smiles.. they are also colors of life.. and it depends on your will... which color you like the best... or how you like to create the painting of your life. it depeds on which color you want to put in the canvas of your life.

Scott and Whintey have changed my life in my ways.
i am very obliged towards them.

Niman and Shaheeba! thank you for sharing ur experience. we live life together...... lets see the sun shines and sun sets and dreams in the blues sky. thank you.

Ms. Saheeba,

Samaya, Samaya! kebal samaya Amako(mom's) ghau niko parne aak matra Aausadhi. Ani tapaee-ko SAFALATA ani SURAKSHITA bhabisya ...!

saheeba, Name is "Indi.." .. "Indi sguiSe". Re kya :)
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sorry typo.


indisguise, ruina,girl interrupted ,bhangli damini
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thank u for ur kind words.


coffee333 and nirman
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i dont have anything to give/say.on same boat!

INDIA? Ya, indira? or MADHURI saheeba ko heroin ?

:-

opps.. guessing name ... game suru bha ho daamini???

INDIA? Ya, indira? or MADHURI saheeba ko heroin ?
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dubai hoina.

heheheehhe..
better luck next time!!

iNDIA? Ya, indira? or MADHURI saheeba ko heroin ?
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madhuri ko kunai kunai flim man parcha.
ani hajur ko?

opps... not a big time movie person!!
sorry

coffee,

ke garne herana...THREAD nai tesai chha. guess gareko FAIL bhaees re..kunai ni milena re.

tyo Saheeba bhane geeet khub suniyo ke, pahile. ani aajkaal ni sunichha kahile kahi...! tesaile MADHURI ho bhaneko SAHEEBA lai. "dubai hoina" bane jawaf paeeyo. nepali ma jawaf aapachhi, MADHURI ta pakkai hoina. Madhuri le nepali ke bujthi ra. hoina? aba INDI..lai complete garyo bhane INDIA hunchha, ki INDIRA hunchha (meri didi, saathi haru the ke INDIRA), GUESS milena. aba yo public forum ma LAUNA naam bhandinus SAHEEBA, real one, bhane pani kura aayena. thikai chha.

je bhayeni, TUPPI ( NANI BHAYE), CHULTHO (BABU BHAYE) samatera, kashinos sukhad bhabisyako lagi. kaamana garna ta sakinchha ni, tyo chahi guess garna pardaina ni. hoina. well.

hoina bhai galti bhayo ulto paryo ni.....ani ke ho ta..?

je bhayeni, TUPPI ( NANI BHAYE), CHULTHO (BABU BHAYE) bhayechha, milayera padam hai, yeslai..!

eheheheheh damini!!

testo ta damini bhanee hindi movie cha ni hoina ra???

aba afulai ta movie sovie teti tha hunna else i would have guessed some too!!! heheeh

kya bore bhayo!!

je bhayeni, TUPPI ( NANI BHAYE), CHULTHO (BABU BHAYE) samatera, kashinos sukhad bhabisyako lagi. kaamana garna ta sakinchha ni, tyo chahi guess garna pardaina ni. hoina.
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kamana ko laghi dhanyabad bhangali damini jee.khossidai chu sake jati.
saheeba bhanee name malai man parera rakheko gana sunera pani hoina madhuri mero herione pani hoina.kehi lekhnu man paryo bhane yahi name le lekhne garchu.name ma k nai cha ra j bhane pani huncha.

bhangali_damini=bhagli damini jee

yaar !!
yo correlation bujhina...
tuppi (naani bhaye re) , chulto (baabu bhaye re) ani.. taalu ( buri bhaye bhaye ho ki kya ho???)

saheeba... naam ma ta kei chaina.. .feri public forum who wants to disclose the real name... heheheehehe

tyo ta ho ki SAHEEBA ji.

tara bhanchhan ni, naam-ma manchheko BYAKTITYO luke-ko hunchha bhanera. khai hajur, katti samma satya ho tyo kura.

tara-pani ramro chha user-nam HAJUR ko. mero case ma hernus na, mero sathile mero lekhaee bata BHANGLI DAMINI, ma ho bhane tha paunu bho. ani time time maa, CHATNU hunchha.ke rakya tyo bhanera? well. yestai chha hajur yaha. Je bhayeni HAVE TO MOVE ON bhane jasto ni.

oh ho coffee, kasto garo prashna rakheko, timile. aba tyo EXCEPTIONAL CASE ko lagi ta, meeting nai basnu parla HAMI. KE gareni bhanera. TARA MEETING MA AAUDA, gadhi ko brake chai, chek gare-ra aam hai pahile nai. :)

hera damini malai jiskaako!!! heheheehehe

dont worry.. aba ta malai afai saano tino mechanic bhai sake..hehehehehe thax for the advise though!!

yaar malai ta baarta garne bhanyo ki.... bhok laagera aaucha.... anyway.. meeting ma chiyaa paan ko bebasta kasto cha ni??? no more pizza hai menu ma!! heeheheheh